There is nothing to be sad about here

One day, you will die.

You will stop and the world will carry on.
Lovers will love.
Others will shop, laugh and cry.
Sometimes alone.
Sometimes together.

The radio will keep playing.
But you will be gone.
Only the love you gave, the souls you touched and the people you changed, will remain.
They will carry on for you.
They will pick up where you left off.

There is nothing to be sad about here

Today is the last day of the year and also my birthday. This is year, alot has happen. Many people came in my life. Many left. Many good things happen. But at the same time, it's the same as the bad.

There are times, when I want to give up on everything and just fall. But god is with me when times was hard. He always showed me that, someone cared. When I drop and break my hopes. He comes and show me how much I have accomplished. When I drop and tell myself. No one cares. He comes and show me, there are many who cares.

It's funny how, fate plays with us. He took many loves one from me.. But gave me better ones.

Forever

I'm getting used to be lonely.
The longing for your touch.
Oh, how I miss it.

The night you held me.
When you told me,
"I hope this hug can protect you."

I miss you, I miss you.
There is nothing more I can do.
But I love you.

Did you know that night?
Where everything ended.
I thanked to the heaven silently.

The loneliness and hurt was hell.
The lies and betray was a nightmare
But I will always love you.

I hold myself,
and whisper to myself.
"Forever"

21/12/2012

So, it's the so called end of the world. Some people actually believe it and some thinks it's all BS. For me? If it's real, it's real. If it's not.. yahoo? I don't really care to be honest. We can't blame the heavens if they want to end the world today. For we have been worst over the past century. So let's take John Lennon song "imagine" and let us think what have the world become.


Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace

You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world

You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Hello,stranger

I wrote this with the feeling of missing someone. That someone is more like a stranger to me now.

Hello, stranger - you came just in time

I look for your face in a crowd, or in line

Hello, stranger - not a moment too soon
See, that old picture's fading in the drawer of my room
Now memories have gone lost, tears have come loose
There were accidents involving stitches, spill milk
Colors were shown, and one time I got sick
But it's nothing for I couldn't catch up with you.

Hello, stranger - I saved you a place
And it hardly seems strange now that I've seen your face.

How I feel today.

He is trying his best.

Before, my father wasn't a good father. I didn't have a pretty childhood like most people have. Yes, I do know that, there are times where our father would scold us and some might even beat us. But, to my eyes. I call that a loving family. I used to dislike my father very much. Because, he wasn't there when I needed a father the most.

But time have shown my father, that he wasn't good father to me and my brothers. So, he is starting now. I guess it's better late than never.

To start off, he knew that I wanted a laptop badly. And I was saving up for it. But, after I found out my tooth was infected and had to spent a sum of money for the surgery, he gave me the cash and told me to take care of myself. Soon after, he got me a laptop. And from what I heard from my brother, he is paying for my trip to Hong Kong next year.

So, this morning. I thanked my father and hugged him and kissed his cheek. I dare say it's the most awkward moment I have ever face. I can say that, my father doesn't know how to show his love to me and my brothers. So he is like throwing money at us. I can see that he is trying his best. 

6th anniversary.

On the 29th of Nov was my mother's 6th year anniversary for her passing. How time flies. I still remember the night when she passed. I couldn't sleep for a whole week. My house lights was turn on, to let my mother spirit to return home before she go forward. The soft cries from my father, the bitter and regretfull moan from my aunt. The sad sod from my grandmother and warm tears I shed.

My mother was a very beautiful woman. She was smart and very talented. She could do anything. But she was too beautiful for this world.

How I wish to see her again. To hear her call my name. Feel her kisses and touch. Mummy, I miss you so much.

A limit.

Have you ever though that every single one of us have a limit?

The other day, I kinda exploded. It was just another working day. But I don't know why, I had a very uneasy feeling. It's like I want to cry but can't. I though that it's already the time of the month, so I just leave it be. While working, A few friends (all guys) started chatting in watsapp and the topic came up was girls who used make up are ugly and I am ugly. I felt very angry when they say that. So i kinda exploded and said something very hush. I don't regret what I said, but they know very well that I'm very sensitive with my looks.

One of them told me to make myself better in ways that I can. Yes, I agree with it. But I just started in less then a month and he might have expected me to stand the "jokes". Have he ever though that not everyone the same? Some are weak and some are strong.

Try imaging this. For 7 years, every single time that you meet your friends and they called you ugly. Being with someone for 3 years and he never say I look beautiful, but called me an old hag. Yes, some might take it as a joke. But not me and many people out there. I have been called beautiful a couple of times, but I just can't see myself as beautiful. I just don't think I look good.

So before you make a comment, think what would the person feel when you made the comment. People with low self-confident are like a walk time bomb. They will explode when their reach the limit. Some will be minor case like say something hurtful or cry. Some might just self hurt or suicide. 

Introduces myself.

A few weeks ago, someone asked me to introduces myself. Without thinking I just told him my name. But he corrected me and said that is not how you introduces yourself. You should tell them what you're working as, what are your hobbies, are you single or in any kind of relationship, what are you into, what are your dreams and so much more. The way you introduces yourself, that is the way how "smart" (he doing the peace sigh) people will look at you. Than I looked at him, gave him my best smile and said:

Hello, My name is Alyssa Lee, but some call me Aly. I'm a Capricorn baby, so that might tell you what kind of person I am. I too have another nick name and that is Sugar, because of my love for sweets. I can draw, but I'm not an artist. I take pictures but not a photographer. I give out a pose, but not a model. I have weird taste towards art, for one of them would be a woman's naked body. Not in a sexual way, but for the beauty of it. I am not gay, I'm straight. But I don't might having gay friends. There are much more for me to say, but I will let you to find it out yourself.

With a smile, he said "tell me more about the beauty of a naked woman."

Ps: I guess I will change my about blogger thingy XD   

Hope and Despair. by Yuumei

Have you ever seen a drawing and you felt sad out of no reason? I was scrolling around 9gag and I saw a comic and I went to do some research on the artist. I went into her DeviantART and the 1st picture that caught my eye was this:

Title : Hope and Despair.

it just made my whole day so blue and dark. I cried when I stare at this drawing for about 10 min. My father must have though I was crazy. She have many meaningful drawing and it can just shake your heart and make you cry. Go and check her out.Her name is Yuumei in Facebook and DeviantART.

The way he looked at me, made my heart melt.

Is this how it felt to love? I don't remember. I don't remember being in love would make me smile and blush just by looking at him. I don't remember that just by talking to him would make me so happy. I don't remember that, when he look at me (stare at me for more than 10 second) would make my heart skip a beat.

Is this love or am I just thinking too much? I can't stop dreaming of him. He is just so handsome and the way he looked at me is so mysterious. It makes me want to scream "KYAAA". But really, the way he looked at me, made my heart melt. ♥

I can't wait to have you in my arm Mr T. I shall pray for the heavens to let us be together. ♥

After all, people come and go.

I’m not proud of certain things I've done in the past, I may not have been the nicest person.. But to those who have chosen to diminish what I've gone about trying to fix with my malicious behave , I have no idea what pleasure you derive from making me feel small and worthless. Yes, I was a horrible person. And yes, maybe I still am. But every day I work hard at trying to be a better person. And maybe that’s not the person you knew, but that’s who I am now. And you have no right to take that away from me, no right to break me this way.

Yes, I was the worst you have seen. But, you have to look at yourselves in the mirror. You, are no different than me. Telling everyone and drag people more in to this. I kept silent, and You. Choose to play being the victim. How childish can you be? You're already going to be 30 soon. Do You know how you made everyone felt? Everyone pointing fingers, some are blaming themselves. Friendship been broken and got back together like being bought on a cheap 70% off supermarket sales. Colors have been shows and some have been hidden. Now everyone is holding guns while they sleep. Some are even pointing one other without knowing. You have taken away the people that made me better. Illness are coming back, but I won't fall. I'll stand tall and move along. After all, people come and go.

PS: Last month, me and a few friends had a miscommunication. It's already been a month, and Him is still dragging more and more people into this. He is very rich guy. I don't blame those that rather go with him than me. I have nothing. All I have is my ears to listen and shoulder to lean on. I don't have money to buy them fancy gifts. Or help them to order stuff from online site. It's understandable how people are. But. what makes me very upset is that he is still playing as the victim. It's very childish of him.     

I got no title for this. :/

How sad it is that you like someone and that someone liked you back but both of you can't be together? I had my eye on this guy for some time now. He is a friend of a friend. His name is... Mr T. But soon after, we found out that Mr T is my brother's friend. I made a promise to myself that I will never date someone who is a friend of my family member. And he doesn't date his close friend's family member.

It's kinda sad, but I hope maybe we both will change our mind or something.

Happiness.

All this time I have been chasing after happiness. Looking high and low for it. Doing everything and anything for it. Hurt people who were close to me and kept going on looking for happiness. But actually, happiness is not something big, but it's small and tiny. I was blinded by the image I had in my naive brain of mine. I picture happiness was like everyday sunshine and days are like sweet honey drops. No problem and no tears. No hardship. But if you continue to search for happiness. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Happiness is actually, the small things. The moment that you share with your lover, the laughter that you have with friends. The late night phone call with a friend. The sweet taste of ice cream and cake. The smiles of your love ones. The little gift that your friends gives you. And so much more. Those are the moment that are real happiness.

I found a box full of memories and thinking back, I was a fool. I had always have happiness with me. But I wanted more. It brings me tears and yet happiness too. To know that I was loved and had share so many memories with so many people. The letters, picture and gifts.

These are the gift that friends have given to me

Pictures of the people that I have shared with

and yes, actually hand written letter send by poslaju XD

( Was too bored and I remember how we would wait for a whole week to find out something that we can just ask for at school)

And I keep everything in my treasure box! Don't ask me why it is pink >_<

These are the memories and happiness. It made me smile when ever I look at it but also I do feel sad about it. But in three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life in my soon to be 19 years of life: it goes on. 

P.S : Sorry for the very bad picture. I don't know why it can become like this. Will try to fix it when I'm free or not lazy hehe. 

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November,

V: Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot. 

Gordon Deitrich: You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.

 Evey Hammond: Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, the Gunpowder Treason and Plot. I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot... But what of the man? I know his name was Guy Fawkes and I know, in 1605, he attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament. But who was he really? What was he like? We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten, but 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I've seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them... but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love... And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man... A man that made me remember the Fifth of November. A man that I will never forget. 

Life

In the past 3 months, I have met, learn and experiences of kind of things and people. I found out I was diagnosed with major depression. I was facing depression for 5 to 6 years, that's what the doctor said. It started off with SAD a very minor depression illness. But with years and time it became worst. I became someone who I am not. Maybe that's why I was rude, crazy, and the list goes on and on. But after meeting the right people, I am getting better. I had to make sure to take my medication. And I'll be well.

I realize that life is too short to hate, therefore I called everyone that I had hurt and did wrong to. Some, accepted it but some didn't. I don't blame them. To say sorry is very easy and to forgive is very hard. But I will still wish the best for them and pray for them. I always thanked them for everything. For helping me when I was in a mess.

Every Sunday, I would go to the temple and pray for the ones that helped me. I pray to the great Buddha and the goddess of mercy for their good health and well being. I also prayed that I can continue to be well and to recover from my illness. I also, do volunteer work for the temple and other event that need help. But of course, I still got my work and family to go to.

I too realize that, there is so much in life that we don't know. Alot of people told me to get a lover and it will make me happy. I did, have a couple of them. But I don't feel that same happiness that I felt when I had my 1st. I do feel happy but I felt like I'm trap. Therefore, I want to enjoy life. To see what life is. To go around Malaysia and visit every temple I can. I have been to Labuan temple. Now, I want to go to Sawarak. I might ask some friends or I might go alone. But there is so much more in life to just love or money. I want to have a taste of life before getting married or anything.     

My cruse.

Please, stop telling me that my ability is a gift. I find it as a cruse. I'm only 19 and I got the mind of a 30 year old. How is that a gift? Having so many ideas and ambitions but no money. I may have all the knowledge that a 30 year old should have. But it makes me feel not young. Do you know how lonely is it when you don't have friends that you around the same age as you? It feels very lonely. Most of my friends are in their late 20's to late 40's. Because? Of my cruse. When ever I talk to people who are older than me, when I correct them. They won't admit it and start saying that I'm still a kid and I shouldn't be knowing these kind of things yet. Do you know how tiring that is? When you have a brain of a 30 year old, the knowledge of a 30 year but always being told as a kid. A child. But when I talk to people around my age, they will say that I'm too old for them. I get sick when I talk to people my age and when I have to lower my level just so I can talk to them and I get very angry when I talk to older people. But in the end, no matter how old my brain is, I'm still a 19 year old girl.   

blablabla?

When I walk towards the light, all I see are fists fight and piano singing along.
And I found myself with a bottle of vodka drinking happily. I make no sense but I'm sad but yet happy.
I hate the night and I hate the morning. Thank the heaven I can see another day.
Sometime I wish I stop caring, but I be a heartless bitch.

Sorry but I need to go, but who the fuck would want to die alone?
Lying is the most fun a girl can do without going naked, after all everyone loves a big fat lie.
You think passing a fucking exam would make me happy? You don't know me.
Alright guys, this is war. Win or lose, we still wake up.

P.S: So, I have no idea what is this that I have done. Random thought have been running around my head and this what came out.

A confession.

My body isn’t perfect. I don’t walk with confidence. I get into fights with my parents and friends. Some nights I’d rather be by myself than out partying. I cry over the smallest things sometimes. There are days that I get through with forced smiles and faked laughs. Sometimes I try to convince myself that things are okay when they’re not. I find myself as ugly. I don’t look as good in real life as I do in pictures. There are some nights that I cry myself to sleep. I constantly think that I’m not good enough. I’m imperfect.

This is a confession. I always have this problem about myself since I can remember. I feel that my eyes are too small, my nose are too big. My head are big and my lips are thin. My face isn't clean like most of my friends. I got long arm and legs but I'm short, I'm skinny till everyone thinks I have a eating disorder.

When ever I look myself in the mirror, I get very angry and sad. I tend to ask myself question, "Why can't my nose be small?" "Why can't I be taller?" "Why can't my bust get bigger and my butt get bigger?"

It makes me cry when ever I think about it. It's very unfair. Many have told me that I'm beautiful, but I just don't believe it. I'm very insecure of my looks. I tend to be a bitch to hide my own fear. When ever someone comment me on my looks (example: Aly, you're so flat like a boy.) I tend to make a joke out of it and laugh at it. But deep inside, I'm hurt. I have been doing it for years, I just wish the day would come when I would walk with full confident.

Part time online working whats not.

So, my friend asked me to join this part time online working site for the past 3 months. So I finally give it a shot. There is no register fee, just your email and so on. So I have earn $20, because I don't really log in and do the work. so yea.... just helping to promote, http://www.earnparttimejobs.com/index.php?id=4345910

Go check it out.

Why is it so hard?

Why is it so hard to move on from a love that’s no more, she asks? You know, I ask myself this question every time I get it. To be honest, I really don’t know. I guess it’s because we feel so strongly for the person. We wake up every morning knowing that seeing them would make the rest of your day perfect. Realizing that they were the only person we could ever dream of being with, and even though we had our fights and arguments, we still kept hoping that one day it would all go away, it hurts. I think it’s hard because we can’t come to terms with the fact that we loved them so much and it ended so abruptly. What I can say is that, breaking up is a grieving process. You will go in and out of, as well as back and forth on, a number of stages, from denial, to anger, to acceptance, and grief.

Everyone’s grieving process is different, but in the end it is painful. It takes time for it to become more bearable, but it passes. One day it actually becomes workable and then one day it just isn’t an issue anymore. Don’t try to heal yourself by rushing into a relationship, you need to give yourself time to recover completely. It is very easy to fall for a person who offers a shoulder to cry on during our troubled times. This is the mistake most people do and they end up in a relationship, which eventually ends up the same. Moving on after a break up is definitely not easy, but you can at least make sincere attempts towards it. If you take it as a challenge and face your life positively, you’ll emerge a stronger person than you were before,

How could you?

Its funny how the first meaningful thing you said to her was; “I promise I will never hurt you” and now months later, the most hurtful thing she will ever hear come out of your mouth is “I cant do this anymore.” You just gave up and walked away. Why? She’s been an amazing girl. An amazing friend, she was there for you when you needed help. When things got a little rough, you couldn't handle it; you gave up and walked away. All she wanted you to do was to fight for her. She thought she was the one with the problem, but clearly she did nothing wrong. She wasn't good enough for you? You promised her so many things, you played with her heart and that’s not right. You could have been something extraordinary by now, you could have completed each other and it’s sad that you will realize this when it’s to late.

How can you say the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, when things got rough you just quit? The way she would look in your eyes and call you beautiful. It all meant something, you promised her you would work it out through anything, good or bad. Now because of you, the next thing someone promises her she will not believe it. You seriously did something to her. You made her laugh, you had endless memories together. But the moment you got up and walked away, that was the moment when you threw it all away.

How could you do this to her? She was your best friend. You betrayed her and dare say you still want to be friends? It's been 5 months and you have someone new. She is still here crying and blaming herself. You still called her and tell her how much you cared for her. Everyday she is hoping you would change your mind and come back to her. And know what? You don't deserve her. I promise you, I will bring her up and when I do It be too late for you and she will have someone better.

Ps: A friend broke up about 5 months ago. She is still moaning about it. Last night she called me and she had a dream of her ex. I accompany her on the phone till she clam down. It's makes me very angry. How can a man go back his own words? Yes promises are to be broken. But, how could you? No words can express how angry I am.

A friend changed my contact name list & Someday

Today, a friend of mine went to the office around 10am and asked for my phone. She said that her phone was out of credit and she was at Suria. She needed to make a call. So I lend her my phone and go on with my work. About a good 10 min, she gave me back my phone and went off. Around 3pm, I got a phone call and the contact was "Harry Potter". I answered it and it was a friend. Thank god I recognize his voice. After that I checked my contact list, EVERY SINGLE CONTACT WAS CHANGED TO HARRY POTTER AND CHRISTIAN GREY. And my 1st thought was 9gag. I messaged the 1st 20 people and their name are Christian Grey. I got over 200 contact in my list. my friend only changed about half of it. Thank god. And the worst case was, one of the 20 contact is Mr Ex. Good lord, it was so awkward. When he replied my message with his name and I asked him which one cause I have a number of friends that has the same name as him. When he replied, I laughed and smiled like a fool. But after awhile, I wanted to dig a hole and buried myself in it. His reply was "Mr Ex" I only used that name in my blog. I don't know why, but I felt a little happy. I don't know if he is giving me a sign that he is reading my blog or something. But if he is, "Hi Mr Ex! :D"

Anyway, here is a work I did a very long time ago. Fixed it a little.

Title: Someday.


Call me childish, but I know, one day, someday, I will find you, and I will marry you. We will be together after a long time of waiting for this moment to come. In each other’s arms, we will feel the happiness we never felt before. We will love like we’ve never been in love and never been hurt before, just like love for the first time. A love, so fresh, so exciting, with no fear and doubtfulness. I may know you now or may not know you yet, but one thing’s for sure, our love story has not yet begun. I’m typing this nonsense things coming from my innocent mind, using these simple words to explain how I feel, wondering if you’d be able to read this. The day would come, that I’d be walking on the aisle, with everyone’s eyes on me. My throat can hardly swallow as the tears on my eyes are clouding, which slowly drops every time I close my eyes.Tears of happiness flowing, for I can see a blurred vision of you, waiting for me at the end of the aisle. At last, we will both say “I do”.




.

Over used of I Love You

This morning I had a chat with a friend in FB. She asked me a question, a question that have been asked for the past 9 months. "Why don't I get a boyfriend?" She knows very well that I'm having an open relationship with someone, but she wants me to "fall in love"; she said she missed how I used to go crazy and keep talking about Mr Ex to her. You know, girl talk. But to be honest, I'm scare to fall in love. And not only that, everyone is throwing the 3 words "I Love You" like it's nothing. They might say I Love You to you and they don't mean it. That is what I'm scare of. And also I know what makes a person to love. It's all chemical in the body. But, don't forget Trust, Commitment, feeling comfortable around them and so on... But the real reason people love is because of the chemical our body release. Eating chocolate and having sex also gives out the same chemical. Now you know why valentine's day, couple give each other chocolate and have sex afterward. LOL

Anyway, back to the words I Love You. Like I said, everyone is throwing it like it means nothing. They might mean it and yet they don't. That's where the word "Player" comes from. So, I would rather tell the person I love "You're my cup of tea, let me be your sugar." Cute isn't it? After all, my nick name is Sugar.

To be honest, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to break someone heart when I don't love them anymore, is because I know how much it feels when the person you loved doesn't love you back. I know it very well.

And, if boy were to be an Ice cream I can just pick from any fav from chocolate to strawberry. Won't that be nice?

Well, that's all for now. Need to go back to work. Might blog again later, but depends how lazy busy I am.       

 

That's all for now. xoxo~

I gain weight!

I weighted myself today and I gain another 2kg! I'm now 40kg! I can finally die in peace! Hehe, now I need to gain up another 5kg and I will be in my dream weight! I have never reach up to 40kg before. 

Last time I was 32kg and it went up to 38kg. But it went down again when I facing depression, it went down to 28kg. After awhile. I went up 32kg than 35kg. That was before I started gym. So when I start going to the gym, I gain 3 kg so I be 38kg. And today I gain 2 kg, so I be 40kg! I'm so happy, the feeling of being healthy is so nice. Last time, my face tend to have the line on my cheek. It makes me so sick looking. But now my face is round and there is some fat in my face.

This was taken when I was 35kg. If you look closely at my cheek, you can see the skinny line. But it's not so clear :(

This is taken today and I'm 40kg! Can't see any line right? Hehe I wonder how I would like when I'm 45kg. Have to eat a lot more now! And, sorry I don't have any picture when I was 28kg. I was scare to look at myself during that time. 

Anyhow, that's all for tonight. Good night~ xoxo

     

So many event!

This month have been a very busy month. So I guess I will post a summary of what I did :)

On the 8th of September, Me, Walter, Eric, Hangmen and Jun went to the shooting range. It was Hangmen 1st time there and he was very excited. We were using a 9mm glock. 50 round each. I didn't get to shoot because Walter was too busy with Hangmen and Eric. But over all, we did have fun.

On the 9th of September, the military group had a BBQ potluck at tanjung aru beach 1. We played a lot of games and ate a lot of food. Everyone was being random and epic.
 

A group photo. Everyone was being so random and stupid :)

On the 15th of September, Becky asked me to help her for an function at Sutera. Me, Becky, Leon and Grace were to cosplay a Hollywood Char. I was cosplaying as Baby doll from Sucker punch, Becky as Jessica rabbit, Leon as the punisher and Grace as Carlie champlin. I didn't took a picture gomen ;_;

After that, around 9 we went to Sakuya 21st B'day party. And dress code was 50's to 80's.

Group photo. Papa-san is still so epic >w<

And, today. 17th of September. The gym small gather potluck party. The food was wonderful and I ate a little too much, till my stomach is big like balloon. ;__;

Picture of le food. And yes, I baked the cupcakes ;w; 

Well, that's all for tonight. I need my beauty sleep. Good night all~ xoxo

    

 

Paranoid & 9/11

The past few days, I have been having this very uneasy feeling that someone is stalking me. After Otafuse, I started having this feeling. When I'm heading to work, I feel it and when I'm going back home too. I also notice that a certain white myvy is parked right in front of my house and around 8pm the person will drive off. At 1st I thought it was the lady we stayed right opposite of me friend's. But when I asked her this morning, she said it wasn't her friend at all.

I don't know I'm just being paranoid or I "sendiri perasan" that someone "likes" me so much till they want to stalk me. but the thought of it, it's very scary. It kinda remind me of one of my ex. Stalker to the max! Spam call me everyday, come to my horse and watched what I was doing and when I told him I wanted to break up he treated to beat me up. That was very unpleasant memories.

Anyhow, today is the 09/11 accident of the Twin Tower. A beautiful song for the hurtful event.

   


That's all for tonight. xoxo~

I sang a Song.

I went to party,
Meet up old friends.
Chance to share memories.
But none recognize me.

I said hello Mr.Forest,
But he was hiding,
To my much surprise,
Behind Ms.Potato's shoes.

Ms.Kat came with Mr.Forest,
When I sang Ms.Panda
It time to leave,
Time to say goodbye.

I sang a song,
But none was listening,
Didn't look the same.
That was the end.

The door fly open,
Here comes the man,
Mr Cow B.Good
Looking how he should.

You're going to sing?
I wish you luck
For the heavens love
And me and you.

But if I sang,
That are only memories,
I rather fly away,
I wish you luck.

Lesson of the day,
You can't please everyone,
But it's alright now,
So gotta please yourself.



Note: This is was done 5min ago. Haha, Random ideas are flying around my head now. This poem actually an event happen and yea.. use your most retarded mind to get the idea out. Now, off to work haha. 

  




 

Lesson and cosplay!

Yesterday and the day before was Otafuse the 2nd and it was fun. On the 1st day I cosplayed as Yuna gunner from FFX-2 and on day 2 I cosplay as Sarah Connor from Terminator 2 : Judgement day. But I don't think anyone notice I was cosplaying her. Haha. Anyhow, I'm not going to post about otafuse because no words can express how fun was it. But instead, I want to blog about what I learn in these two days from my friends.
Since before, I always have problem with confident. I may be loud and open but I'm not that confident as I have shown everyone. I have been trying to tell people, but they always think I'm bullshitting. Therefore, I kept silent and kept it to myself. But, on the 1st day, someone saw through me and asked me "Why do you look yourself so small?" My 1st thought was she was asking me why am I so short. I just replied her "Because I was born this way." She took my hand and said "You're a pretty girl, don't let this bad world pull you down." Without knowing what to do, I just smile and said thanks. After we chatted about ourselves and I learned that everyone is always fighting for what they believe. Everyone have weakness and strong point. After I chatted with her, I understand that everyone is good and bad. We are all wearing a mask, to show different side to different people. As for what I understand, I have about 7 different side. But from my friend (Walter) said I might have more for than 7, because I haven't show it to him yet. He explained to me the 7 different side I have are :-
1)The not confident side of me. Because of this side, I tend to get scare and get very sad when other compared me with someone else.
2)The loud and open side of me. With this side of mine, I tend to do retard and stupid things. Like touching my boobs right in front of any guy friends. Or just being random.
3)The fighter side of me. This side give me the will to fight for what I believe and love. Example: I will scold the shit out from someone till they will shit on their pants because they have no choice to, and I will do this all for a friend."
4)The I'm sexy and I know it side of me (LOL). This side is very confident and therefore it clashed with number 1. People who have 0 confident who have suicide already, I tried suicide a couple of time but the heavens always send someone to save me. Anyhow, Because of this side, it makes me, from what people might call me "Epic".
5)The soft and shy side. Yes, I do have this side with me. But only a few have seen it. More like "minta sayang dari hubby type of side" hehe
6)The mature side. I was also in shock that I have a mature side. Anyhow, this side let me make decision. I do believe that this side is still growing because it's only been a few months that I walked the working life.
7)The fuck you side. For this side of mine. I'm very proud of it. The reason I like this side is because, fuck you thats why. lol jkjk, It's actually because, it gives me a will to show everyone that looked down on me what I can do.
So there are the 7 side of me.
I also learn that, "Respect". How do you get someone respect? My friend Zack, told me that "If you want someone to respect you, you have to earn it. Respect is not something you can just give it to anyone, if you are doing that, it just show how stupid you are. So therefore, respect is by earn not give."
When he told me that, I kinda think to myself  "Now I know why I don't really respect anyone."
But anyhow, it's getting late and I need my beauty sleep. And oh! I know this is off topic, but during Otafuse,  3 guys confessed to me. 1 on the 1st day and the other 2 was the on the 2nd day. It was so odd! But, I felt pretty happy that someone would actually like a retard girl like me haha. But what's even more shocking was, I got a loving partner who loves me for all the flaws I have. I'm really happy that I met him. I hope the heavens will bless me and him to be together.

Me and Becky as Yuna and Rikku

Yuna and Boa Hancock

Me as Sarah Conner and Clarisa as Military

B.M.C Doing 360 pose

B.M.C girls( Me, Becky & Clarisa)

I got Head shot XD

And don't forget the classic. The duck face!

That's all for tonight good night xoxo~

Wild world

Lyrics:


Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby, I'm grieving
But if you wanna leave, take good care

I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there

But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Note: Today, I feel a little blue and I kept on thinking about someone from the past. I asked myself " What is he doing now?", "Is he well?" , "Is he eating?", "Is he treating his new lover better?" and etc...
I don't know if he will read this or does he even know this blog is even here. So anyhow, this song is for him.  I hope he is taking good care of himself.

"A desired."

PG 18 below! Warning PG 18 below! You have been warn!



The sweet smell of after rain,
Like honeydew mix with the littlest sour.
The sweet salty smells of his,
Lingers around the rooms.

Those dark shadows walking around the room,
Like a ghost, lost of it's way.
Tinkering his touch,
Like sweet cloud nine.

Thick lips with mixture of whiskey,
Lips so kissable,
Thinking it was a sin.
Loving it was lust.

Time was ticking for it was gold,
Leaving the stress away,
Time was gone,
Leaving only a dream.


P.s : A work my friend and I did a few month back, about last year around November. At that time, I was longing for a companion. And a way to express my feelings. I dare say it's a pretty well done work. It doesn't sound that sexual, but if you have a crazy mind like mine, let your wildest dream play with the words. :) I still haven't give this a title, but I guess I give it a temporary title "A desired." Sound pretty good. My friend said, we might need to fix it up. For it doesn't give out the message, I guess I have to agree with that. Well I guess that's all for today. Good night all. xoxo~     

A little about the past.

Today, I was cleaning my room and I found some stuff that brings back a lot of memories. I found my old dairy, and I read it. It was written when I was 15 to 17. I don't write everyday, I only write when something happen or I felt sad, happy or something. 

What was written in my diary was so innocent, so naive. The feeling of being so carefree. Nothing to worry. A loving family, friends and boyfriend. I read till the end where the last page wrote " I want my old life back, please give me back everything you took from me." Reading the whole dairy makes me feel like I'm reading a story book about a girl who was a innocent and how life slowly show their true colors to her, that lead her with so much hatred. 

And when I think back, I don't know why, but I thought of Mr Ex. Than I though of a guy who I have met online, who I had feelings for, but forced myself to make him dislike me because I didn't want to hurt him with the distant. And last, I thought of my special someone. Than, I realize, I still loved them. Now, I fully understand what my special someone said, "Even if you hated him, he treated you like you're a useless thing. Broke your heart, or anything to make you hate him. After sometime have pass, when everything cool down. You realize that you still have love for him. I swear, he feels the same too." Being so innocent at that time, I asked him why? How can I still love someone who hurt me so badly?" And with confident he reply me "Because, a part of your time have been spend with him, a part of you is with him. And his with you. Therefore, no matter how much time pass, you would always have that love for him."

I didn't understand what he meant, but I just nod. Now, I finally understand. I still loved them all. Mr Ex and online guy who I used to called "My Hero". Nothing will change my love for them both. 

 

Work, Training and Food!

Today was a very tiring day. I got up early for a photo shoot at the beach today, we were suppose to get ready by 5am but ended up at 6.30am. When we reached the place, we weren't allow in. Because they are having a wedding beach party or something. So we ended up going to an abandon building and it wasn't an abandon anymore. So we all ended up in a hotel room. It was very weird when asked for a room just for a day and there were 4 men (photographer) and 2 lady (me and make up artist) We finish our shoot at about 10am and we all went back home to rest and continue tomorrow (sunday). I rested at home and chatted with some friends and at around 2pm, my brother brought me out for tides shopping.

Around 4 I went back home and got ready for training at 5pm. After training, I went to have a taste eat with some friends to Bartzar, Water Front. I give it 3.5 out of 5. But for the service I give it out 2.5 out of 5. The waiter was very kind, he said sorry for the long wait and gave us wine. So I guess I add up 0.5 mark for it.
Here are some food that we ordered. Sorry for the blurry picture! Taken by camera. Forgot to bring my baby ;___;

 Mushroom Soup

 Seafood Soup

 Lamp Chop

   Rib Eye Steak

Well that's for today~ 

xoxo

Lady Gaga - Yoü And I

I know the MV is very odd/weird/etc but to me this song is about self-love. It is to do with find every part of yourself, all your different sides and fantasies.The things which have inspired and helped you to live as who you are, and satisfying each of those parts. In the music video she plays at least six different sides of herself, showcasing their personalities. For one example of this, there is the young girl playing the piano; she seems childlike and wholesome, wearing nightgown- type attire and smiling up naively at the older Joe Calderone (I may have misspelled that, forgive me). I think she probably symbolizes LG's mid-late-teen self. She has described her upbringing as sheltered, specifically from sexuality (went to an all-girls Catholic school), and that seems to be how this character acts. And as for some of the lyrics which seem to indicate a past lover, it's instead about the aspects of her personality which she left behind. The parts of herself she forgot to please, or hadn't the chance try to because of the recent years of fame. That is how I like to think about it. I think it has a deeper message than the general opinions about her ex boyfriend. It appeals to me greatly.

Random day at the office :)

A conversation in the office.

Me: When is moon cake festival?
Leon: WTF?! When is dick head festival?!
Me: WHAT THE HELL?! Moon cake festival ba!!
YingYing: HAHHAHAHA

Another day...
Me: I want to get a book for a friend for his b'day.
Leon: WHAT?! You want to get boobs for your guy friend?!
YingYing: LEON?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR EAR?!

Three Hundred And Sixty One

A brand new look, brand new life, brand new goal, brand new friends, brand new everything.

Sometimes, I feel that sometime we need to be the bad guy. Not for attention, not for just to let the other side dislike you. But just to save them perhaps? I swear to god, to my mother, I love them. I love them very much. But, it's time to move on. I don't want the friendship, I don't want them to care. I want them to forget me and move on with their life.

Words can't express what I'm trying to explain. But God knows what I'm trying to pull off. The weights are still on my shoulder, but by time and with the help from my loves one, it be gone.

Three Hundred And Sixty One, means my 360 surrounding and 1 is me. This blog would be a mixture of my life, point of view, food or everything and anything.