Hard to change

I think by now, most of us are aware of the fact that ‘things change’. But if we know that, than why does it still take us by surprise every time? Shouldn’t we be use to this feeling that change is evitable and accept it by now? But no matter how aware of this we are, I don’t think we will ever be ready to face change. Whether we admit it or not, all of us hate it, especially when it seems like we are robbed of the only things that made us happy and we were just hopeless to stop it from happening.

Maybe it’s the fact that none of us want to believe it. None of us want to believe that our best friends could one day no longer be a part of our lives. That the relationships we have with people that we care about could turn into one that we only have with strangers. Maybe we’re too focus on holding on to everything, that we don’t realize that our worlds can turn upside down in any second.

In the course of our lives, we will face a million changes. The funny thing about it, without changes in our lives, we wouldn’t meet some of the great people that we have. We wouldn’t of ended up going forward in our lives and discovering who we truly are. It’s okay to be afraid of change, I know I am. But looking back at it all, I realize that the memories I have are permanently in place - and sometimes things changing is a way of finding something beautiful.

I’m the type of person that won’t say how they feel when something’s wrong. I’ll stay quiet about it and eventually let the pain, jealousy, etc,. build in. Then one day I’ll end up breaking down because I just couldn’t hold in my feelings anymore. I want to say something… I want to say what’s on my mind.. I want to say that I’m not okay… But I just can’t.

I want to go to JAPAN!

So, a though came to me and I want to go to Japan. Reason? To look for husband. lol. No, just joking. I want to go there to study and to see something different. My plan was, I will pay every single living expenses on my own. So, I made some research about it and you can get a Student Working Pass Visa. Which you can work for 28 hours a week. If you over the time limit, you be send back to your own country and redo your visa. So, I did more research and a part time job, which they pay by hour. An hour is about 700 yen to 900 yen. If you work up a month you get about 75,000yen. Not bad, but Japan's living expenses is very high. BUT, you live at Kansai area (exp: Kyoto, Osaka, Nagasaki, etc) It be cheaper by a few thousand yen. Their paying wages are the same within all country.

Now the biggest decision is, which area should I go? I got a Japanese friend who is living at Nagasaki and also a friend who is going to Osaka this year for studies too. Maybe I go to Kyoto? I found an apartment, with kitchen, futon, air con, etc.. for about 50,000 yen include water and electricity bill. Oh, and don't forget Internet too.

Planing to go there when I'm 21 years old. So... I got about 2 years to go? I hope I can go by next year. I don't wanna waste time anymore!!  

Words left unsaid.

A thousand words have entered and wandered around in my head as I try to think of the right sequences to put them in. I want the words and sentences to do justice to the thoughts that keep me up at night and the emotions that are felt deep within my heart. And in life, sometimes you only have that one opportunity to say exactly what you want to say to someone that these words can be nothing short of perfection.

Though nothing found within any dictionary or thesaurus can put into context of what I want truly want to express, I want to believe that there has to be something. There has to be something that had never been spoken in the history of man that I could finally say. In a world full of regret for not telling someone how you truly feel, I rather not fall victim in the same trap that many men have fallen into countless times before.

A thousands words have entered and wandered around my head. Maybe there will be a day when they will be in the right sequence and I won’t stutter or be hesitant to say them when I have that opportunity to. But reality is, not a single one of these thousand words will ever be said to you. My love, the father of my children, Boris and Mia. Goodbye was the last and therefore these words will forever be left unsaid.

Those moment.

Sometimes I wonder when did those moments occur. Those significant moments that manages to forever change the course of our lives. Sometimes it’s completely impossible to pinpoint it, for at the time it was occurring, it was just another passing sequence of events of just another random day. But in reality, they managed to change what you believe in, what’s important to you, how feel for a period of time, or makes you feel something that you didn’t even know existed.

This moment could be as small as seeing some stranger as you enter a room. How could you have ever known that this one person would be different from all the rest - that your paths were be destined to cross more than this one time. It could be that time you listened to a song, unknowingly to you that this song would be the gateway of nostalgic memories that you would cherish till that final breath is exhaled. These are the moments that you fell in love, found the path you wanted to take, grew up from being a child or a teenager, or when grasped greatness and just failed to realize it until years later.

Sometimes it’s tragedy not knowing when these moments are happening. They can occur when we are at our lowest points and be the sign that things are about to change just as we lose all hope. They can happen when we want to give up and nothing seems like it’s going our way. They could even be happening at this very moment. These moments are so subtle that when they pass, it doesn’t feel any different when everything just changed. Sometimes I wonder when these moments occur, because these are the moments I want to appreciate. These are the moments that changed and defined everything.

Behind the words

It has almost become a routine to scroll down post after post on Tumblr/ Facebook/Blogger/ Twitter/ etc... seeing what people reblog or post themselves. And sometimes, it’s hard not to stop and read something someone has written and just feel like this person, somewhere out there in the world, was speaking to you. That a random stranger knew exactly how you were feeling or going through, and knew what words to say to make you feel better and wrote them down just because they knew that your eyes would eventually see them.

And don’t you sometimes want to meet these people behind the words, whoever they are. To maybe to say thanks for helping you get through something or to find the person whose words touched your soul or made you think about things you would never think about. Maybe to even see if this person is similar to the person who wrote down the words that you read.

Truth is, I have read enough on here to make me realize how many insightful, inspiring, intelligent, wise, quirky, loving, funny, relatable and good hearted people out there in this world. But behind the words, are people who walk away from their keyboards and just living life. That a stranger that we may never meet manage to touch our lives and they may never know it.

Broken

I never want to look weak. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. And I don’t want to burden anyone else with the problems and demons that I have face everyday. But truth is, I don’t want to admit it to myself how broken I am. How defeated I am in what seems like an endless war against all the monsters that have come to haunt me in life; a war that I’m losing so tragically.

I never wanted to be this person who seemed to been dealt a bad hand. This person who feels so flawed and misunderstood. A person who could surrounded by millions of people yet feel so alone.

So here I am. Lost and confused. With this darkness building up inside of me that I’m so scared to admit that I have. It’s something that consumes me, awaiting for the day it destroys me. Though amidst all this angst, there is that fading hope that these broken pieces I have become can one day be fixed again.

Forgetting

I'm typing this after rest time. *We got a badass here* Just now, during rest time I saw someone very familiar. We kept looking at each other, but we didn't even bother to say "hi", a wave or even a simple smile. For my case, I was scare that it was the wrong person and it be very embarrassing and maybe that person would feel the same.

So it got me thinking and it made me type an essay about it. haha. 
Sometimes it scares me that the strangers I passed by for one quick second without a real care on the streets today were once upon a time a part of my life. That I’ve just forgotten them as time seemly faded my memories as it does for old photographs. Reality sets in that we don’t remember every face or person that enters and leaves our life, and any stranger is someone from our past.

That stranger you passed by today could have been your classmate before. Maybe someone who you even had a crush on or admired. That stranger you passed today could have been someone of your friend, even someone you hung out with, but slowly drifted away when you guys took different paths in life and slowly forgot about each other. That the stranger you passed today, was someone you once saw everyday and changed your life somehow, and you’ll just never remember them.

It’s strange isn’t it? How many people that have been in our lives and how many people have left it. And it’s impossible to remember every single one of them, to remember every single person that has been part of the path we chose that slowly helped us be who we are today. It’s strange that these strangers we pass by everyday may of not be strangers to us a long time ago. And sort of sad to think about how many people we forget and will forget.

It’s true, people come and go

but I swear, every time someone does walk out, it feels like the first time it’s ever happened. It’s one of those things where no matter how many times it happens to you, you’re never going to get used to that feeling. The thought of giving someone your all, only to find out that they were just like the rest of them. How is anyone supposed to accept that and move on like it’s nothing?

How can anyone be able to feel so secure about themselves after someone walks out from their life. How?

Someone wrote a poem for me.

Today, I checked my email. And someone send me a poem. She/he say they have been reading my blog since I started from my very 1st blog xxxaly. After changing blog over and over again. Deleting everything and started a new. That person have been reading it. At 1st, I find it very scary and I have a stalker with me. But the poem, this person wrote. Change my mind toward them.

You always have a sweet smile.
But time refuse to stop the moment.
There are sad and happy time.
That is life.

I am just a nobody.
To only wish that I have the chance
To make you smile.
I am just too far away.

I first thought that you're a cry baby.
Just a little girl wanting attention.
But soon after.
I found out how lonely you are.

Please stand tall
Wind and rain will come and hit you
But someone the opposite of the world.
Is cheering you on.

As again,
I am a nobody.
I wish to make you happy.
But this is all I can do.

Be happy
Alyssa.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! TO MY READERS! (If I have any. lolz) I know it's late but I was busy with work and stuff. But just about 2 days ago, I gotten myself food poisoning. My whole family was infected by it too.

anyhow.. I don't really have anything to post today.. so... yea :/