A confession.

My body isn’t perfect. I don’t walk with confidence. I get into fights with my parents and friends. Some nights I’d rather be by myself than out partying. I cry over the smallest things sometimes. There are days that I get through with forced smiles and faked laughs. Sometimes I try to convince myself that things are okay when they’re not. I find myself as ugly. I don’t look as good in real life as I do in pictures. There are some nights that I cry myself to sleep. I constantly think that I’m not good enough. I’m imperfect.

This is a confession. I always have this problem about myself since I can remember. I feel that my eyes are too small, my nose are too big. My head are big and my lips are thin. My face isn't clean like most of my friends. I got long arm and legs but I'm short, I'm skinny till everyone thinks I have a eating disorder.

When ever I look myself in the mirror, I get very angry and sad. I tend to ask myself question, "Why can't my nose be small?" "Why can't I be taller?" "Why can't my bust get bigger and my butt get bigger?"

It makes me cry when ever I think about it. It's very unfair. Many have told me that I'm beautiful, but I just don't believe it. I'm very insecure of my looks. I tend to be a bitch to hide my own fear. When ever someone comment me on my looks (example: Aly, you're so flat like a boy.) I tend to make a joke out of it and laugh at it. But deep inside, I'm hurt. I have been doing it for years, I just wish the day would come when I would walk with full confident.

Part time online working whats not.

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Go check it out.

Why is it so hard?

Why is it so hard to move on from a love that’s no more, she asks? You know, I ask myself this question every time I get it. To be honest, I really don’t know. I guess it’s because we feel so strongly for the person. We wake up every morning knowing that seeing them would make the rest of your day perfect. Realizing that they were the only person we could ever dream of being with, and even though we had our fights and arguments, we still kept hoping that one day it would all go away, it hurts. I think it’s hard because we can’t come to terms with the fact that we loved them so much and it ended so abruptly. What I can say is that, breaking up is a grieving process. You will go in and out of, as well as back and forth on, a number of stages, from denial, to anger, to acceptance, and grief.

Everyone’s grieving process is different, but in the end it is painful. It takes time for it to become more bearable, but it passes. One day it actually becomes workable and then one day it just isn’t an issue anymore. Don’t try to heal yourself by rushing into a relationship, you need to give yourself time to recover completely. It is very easy to fall for a person who offers a shoulder to cry on during our troubled times. This is the mistake most people do and they end up in a relationship, which eventually ends up the same. Moving on after a break up is definitely not easy, but you can at least make sincere attempts towards it. If you take it as a challenge and face your life positively, you’ll emerge a stronger person than you were before,

How could you?

Its funny how the first meaningful thing you said to her was; “I promise I will never hurt you” and now months later, the most hurtful thing she will ever hear come out of your mouth is “I cant do this anymore.” You just gave up and walked away. Why? She’s been an amazing girl. An amazing friend, she was there for you when you needed help. When things got a little rough, you couldn't handle it; you gave up and walked away. All she wanted you to do was to fight for her. She thought she was the one with the problem, but clearly she did nothing wrong. She wasn't good enough for you? You promised her so many things, you played with her heart and that’s not right. You could have been something extraordinary by now, you could have completed each other and it’s sad that you will realize this when it’s to late.

How can you say the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, when things got rough you just quit? The way she would look in your eyes and call you beautiful. It all meant something, you promised her you would work it out through anything, good or bad. Now because of you, the next thing someone promises her she will not believe it. You seriously did something to her. You made her laugh, you had endless memories together. But the moment you got up and walked away, that was the moment when you threw it all away.

How could you do this to her? She was your best friend. You betrayed her and dare say you still want to be friends? It's been 5 months and you have someone new. She is still here crying and blaming herself. You still called her and tell her how much you cared for her. Everyday she is hoping you would change your mind and come back to her. And know what? You don't deserve her. I promise you, I will bring her up and when I do It be too late for you and she will have someone better.

Ps: A friend broke up about 5 months ago. She is still moaning about it. Last night she called me and she had a dream of her ex. I accompany her on the phone till she clam down. It's makes me very angry. How can a man go back his own words? Yes promises are to be broken. But, how could you? No words can express how angry I am.

A friend changed my contact name list & Someday

Today, a friend of mine went to the office around 10am and asked for my phone. She said that her phone was out of credit and she was at Suria. She needed to make a call. So I lend her my phone and go on with my work. About a good 10 min, she gave me back my phone and went off. Around 3pm, I got a phone call and the contact was "Harry Potter". I answered it and it was a friend. Thank god I recognize his voice. After that I checked my contact list, EVERY SINGLE CONTACT WAS CHANGED TO HARRY POTTER AND CHRISTIAN GREY. And my 1st thought was 9gag. I messaged the 1st 20 people and their name are Christian Grey. I got over 200 contact in my list. my friend only changed about half of it. Thank god. And the worst case was, one of the 20 contact is Mr Ex. Good lord, it was so awkward. When he replied my message with his name and I asked him which one cause I have a number of friends that has the same name as him. When he replied, I laughed and smiled like a fool. But after awhile, I wanted to dig a hole and buried myself in it. His reply was "Mr Ex" I only used that name in my blog. I don't know why, but I felt a little happy. I don't know if he is giving me a sign that he is reading my blog or something. But if he is, "Hi Mr Ex! :D"

Anyway, here is a work I did a very long time ago. Fixed it a little.

Title: Someday.


Call me childish, but I know, one day, someday, I will find you, and I will marry you. We will be together after a long time of waiting for this moment to come. In each other’s arms, we will feel the happiness we never felt before. We will love like we’ve never been in love and never been hurt before, just like love for the first time. A love, so fresh, so exciting, with no fear and doubtfulness. I may know you now or may not know you yet, but one thing’s for sure, our love story has not yet begun. I’m typing this nonsense things coming from my innocent mind, using these simple words to explain how I feel, wondering if you’d be able to read this. The day would come, that I’d be walking on the aisle, with everyone’s eyes on me. My throat can hardly swallow as the tears on my eyes are clouding, which slowly drops every time I close my eyes.Tears of happiness flowing, for I can see a blurred vision of you, waiting for me at the end of the aisle. At last, we will both say “I do”.




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Over used of I Love You

This morning I had a chat with a friend in FB. She asked me a question, a question that have been asked for the past 9 months. "Why don't I get a boyfriend?" She knows very well that I'm having an open relationship with someone, but she wants me to "fall in love"; she said she missed how I used to go crazy and keep talking about Mr Ex to her. You know, girl talk. But to be honest, I'm scare to fall in love. And not only that, everyone is throwing the 3 words "I Love You" like it's nothing. They might say I Love You to you and they don't mean it. That is what I'm scare of. And also I know what makes a person to love. It's all chemical in the body. But, don't forget Trust, Commitment, feeling comfortable around them and so on... But the real reason people love is because of the chemical our body release. Eating chocolate and having sex also gives out the same chemical. Now you know why valentine's day, couple give each other chocolate and have sex afterward. LOL

Anyway, back to the words I Love You. Like I said, everyone is throwing it like it means nothing. They might mean it and yet they don't. That's where the word "Player" comes from. So, I would rather tell the person I love "You're my cup of tea, let me be your sugar." Cute isn't it? After all, my nick name is Sugar.

To be honest, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to break someone heart when I don't love them anymore, is because I know how much it feels when the person you loved doesn't love you back. I know it very well.

And, if boy were to be an Ice cream I can just pick from any fav from chocolate to strawberry. Won't that be nice?

Well, that's all for now. Need to go back to work. Might blog again later, but depends how lazy busy I am.       

 

That's all for now. xoxo~

I gain weight!

I weighted myself today and I gain another 2kg! I'm now 40kg! I can finally die in peace! Hehe, now I need to gain up another 5kg and I will be in my dream weight! I have never reach up to 40kg before. 

Last time I was 32kg and it went up to 38kg. But it went down again when I facing depression, it went down to 28kg. After awhile. I went up 32kg than 35kg. That was before I started gym. So when I start going to the gym, I gain 3 kg so I be 38kg. And today I gain 2 kg, so I be 40kg! I'm so happy, the feeling of being healthy is so nice. Last time, my face tend to have the line on my cheek. It makes me so sick looking. But now my face is round and there is some fat in my face.

This was taken when I was 35kg. If you look closely at my cheek, you can see the skinny line. But it's not so clear :(

This is taken today and I'm 40kg! Can't see any line right? Hehe I wonder how I would like when I'm 45kg. Have to eat a lot more now! And, sorry I don't have any picture when I was 28kg. I was scare to look at myself during that time. 

Anyhow, that's all for tonight. Good night~ xoxo

     

So many event!

This month have been a very busy month. So I guess I will post a summary of what I did :)

On the 8th of September, Me, Walter, Eric, Hangmen and Jun went to the shooting range. It was Hangmen 1st time there and he was very excited. We were using a 9mm glock. 50 round each. I didn't get to shoot because Walter was too busy with Hangmen and Eric. But over all, we did have fun.

On the 9th of September, the military group had a BBQ potluck at tanjung aru beach 1. We played a lot of games and ate a lot of food. Everyone was being random and epic.
 

A group photo. Everyone was being so random and stupid :)

On the 15th of September, Becky asked me to help her for an function at Sutera. Me, Becky, Leon and Grace were to cosplay a Hollywood Char. I was cosplaying as Baby doll from Sucker punch, Becky as Jessica rabbit, Leon as the punisher and Grace as Carlie champlin. I didn't took a picture gomen ;_;

After that, around 9 we went to Sakuya 21st B'day party. And dress code was 50's to 80's.

Group photo. Papa-san is still so epic >w<

And, today. 17th of September. The gym small gather potluck party. The food was wonderful and I ate a little too much, till my stomach is big like balloon. ;__;

Picture of le food. And yes, I baked the cupcakes ;w; 

Well, that's all for tonight. I need my beauty sleep. Good night all~ xoxo

    

 

Paranoid & 9/11

The past few days, I have been having this very uneasy feeling that someone is stalking me. After Otafuse, I started having this feeling. When I'm heading to work, I feel it and when I'm going back home too. I also notice that a certain white myvy is parked right in front of my house and around 8pm the person will drive off. At 1st I thought it was the lady we stayed right opposite of me friend's. But when I asked her this morning, she said it wasn't her friend at all.

I don't know I'm just being paranoid or I "sendiri perasan" that someone "likes" me so much till they want to stalk me. but the thought of it, it's very scary. It kinda remind me of one of my ex. Stalker to the max! Spam call me everyday, come to my horse and watched what I was doing and when I told him I wanted to break up he treated to beat me up. That was very unpleasant memories.

Anyhow, today is the 09/11 accident of the Twin Tower. A beautiful song for the hurtful event.

   


That's all for tonight. xoxo~

I sang a Song.

I went to party,
Meet up old friends.
Chance to share memories.
But none recognize me.

I said hello Mr.Forest,
But he was hiding,
To my much surprise,
Behind Ms.Potato's shoes.

Ms.Kat came with Mr.Forest,
When I sang Ms.Panda
It time to leave,
Time to say goodbye.

I sang a song,
But none was listening,
Didn't look the same.
That was the end.

The door fly open,
Here comes the man,
Mr Cow B.Good
Looking how he should.

You're going to sing?
I wish you luck
For the heavens love
And me and you.

But if I sang,
That are only memories,
I rather fly away,
I wish you luck.

Lesson of the day,
You can't please everyone,
But it's alright now,
So gotta please yourself.



Note: This is was done 5min ago. Haha, Random ideas are flying around my head now. This poem actually an event happen and yea.. use your most retarded mind to get the idea out. Now, off to work haha. 

  




 

Lesson and cosplay!

Yesterday and the day before was Otafuse the 2nd and it was fun. On the 1st day I cosplayed as Yuna gunner from FFX-2 and on day 2 I cosplay as Sarah Connor from Terminator 2 : Judgement day. But I don't think anyone notice I was cosplaying her. Haha. Anyhow, I'm not going to post about otafuse because no words can express how fun was it. But instead, I want to blog about what I learn in these two days from my friends.
Since before, I always have problem with confident. I may be loud and open but I'm not that confident as I have shown everyone. I have been trying to tell people, but they always think I'm bullshitting. Therefore, I kept silent and kept it to myself. But, on the 1st day, someone saw through me and asked me "Why do you look yourself so small?" My 1st thought was she was asking me why am I so short. I just replied her "Because I was born this way." She took my hand and said "You're a pretty girl, don't let this bad world pull you down." Without knowing what to do, I just smile and said thanks. After we chatted about ourselves and I learned that everyone is always fighting for what they believe. Everyone have weakness and strong point. After I chatted with her, I understand that everyone is good and bad. We are all wearing a mask, to show different side to different people. As for what I understand, I have about 7 different side. But from my friend (Walter) said I might have more for than 7, because I haven't show it to him yet. He explained to me the 7 different side I have are :-
1)The not confident side of me. Because of this side, I tend to get scare and get very sad when other compared me with someone else.
2)The loud and open side of me. With this side of mine, I tend to do retard and stupid things. Like touching my boobs right in front of any guy friends. Or just being random.
3)The fighter side of me. This side give me the will to fight for what I believe and love. Example: I will scold the shit out from someone till they will shit on their pants because they have no choice to, and I will do this all for a friend."
4)The I'm sexy and I know it side of me (LOL). This side is very confident and therefore it clashed with number 1. People who have 0 confident who have suicide already, I tried suicide a couple of time but the heavens always send someone to save me. Anyhow, Because of this side, it makes me, from what people might call me "Epic".
5)The soft and shy side. Yes, I do have this side with me. But only a few have seen it. More like "minta sayang dari hubby type of side" hehe
6)The mature side. I was also in shock that I have a mature side. Anyhow, this side let me make decision. I do believe that this side is still growing because it's only been a few months that I walked the working life.
7)The fuck you side. For this side of mine. I'm very proud of it. The reason I like this side is because, fuck you thats why. lol jkjk, It's actually because, it gives me a will to show everyone that looked down on me what I can do.
So there are the 7 side of me.
I also learn that, "Respect". How do you get someone respect? My friend Zack, told me that "If you want someone to respect you, you have to earn it. Respect is not something you can just give it to anyone, if you are doing that, it just show how stupid you are. So therefore, respect is by earn not give."
When he told me that, I kinda think to myself  "Now I know why I don't really respect anyone."
But anyhow, it's getting late and I need my beauty sleep. And oh! I know this is off topic, but during Otafuse,  3 guys confessed to me. 1 on the 1st day and the other 2 was the on the 2nd day. It was so odd! But, I felt pretty happy that someone would actually like a retard girl like me haha. But what's even more shocking was, I got a loving partner who loves me for all the flaws I have. I'm really happy that I met him. I hope the heavens will bless me and him to be together.

Me and Becky as Yuna and Rikku

Yuna and Boa Hancock

Me as Sarah Conner and Clarisa as Military

B.M.C Doing 360 pose

B.M.C girls( Me, Becky & Clarisa)

I got Head shot XD

And don't forget the classic. The duck face!

That's all for tonight good night xoxo~