After all, people come and go.

I’m not proud of certain things I've done in the past, I may not have been the nicest person.. But to those who have chosen to diminish what I've gone about trying to fix with my malicious behave , I have no idea what pleasure you derive from making me feel small and worthless. Yes, I was a horrible person. And yes, maybe I still am. But every day I work hard at trying to be a better person. And maybe that’s not the person you knew, but that’s who I am now. And you have no right to take that away from me, no right to break me this way.

Yes, I was the worst you have seen. But, you have to look at yourselves in the mirror. You, are no different than me. Telling everyone and drag people more in to this. I kept silent, and You. Choose to play being the victim. How childish can you be? You're already going to be 30 soon. Do You know how you made everyone felt? Everyone pointing fingers, some are blaming themselves. Friendship been broken and got back together like being bought on a cheap 70% off supermarket sales. Colors have been shows and some have been hidden. Now everyone is holding guns while they sleep. Some are even pointing one other without knowing. You have taken away the people that made me better. Illness are coming back, but I won't fall. I'll stand tall and move along. After all, people come and go.

PS: Last month, me and a few friends had a miscommunication. It's already been a month, and Him is still dragging more and more people into this. He is very rich guy. I don't blame those that rather go with him than me. I have nothing. All I have is my ears to listen and shoulder to lean on. I don't have money to buy them fancy gifts. Or help them to order stuff from online site. It's understandable how people are. But. what makes me very upset is that he is still playing as the victim. It's very childish of him.     

I got no title for this. :/

How sad it is that you like someone and that someone liked you back but both of you can't be together? I had my eye on this guy for some time now. He is a friend of a friend. His name is... Mr T. But soon after, we found out that Mr T is my brother's friend. I made a promise to myself that I will never date someone who is a friend of my family member. And he doesn't date his close friend's family member.

It's kinda sad, but I hope maybe we both will change our mind or something.

Happiness.

All this time I have been chasing after happiness. Looking high and low for it. Doing everything and anything for it. Hurt people who were close to me and kept going on looking for happiness. But actually, happiness is not something big, but it's small and tiny. I was blinded by the image I had in my naive brain of mine. I picture happiness was like everyday sunshine and days are like sweet honey drops. No problem and no tears. No hardship. But if you continue to search for happiness. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Happiness is actually, the small things. The moment that you share with your lover, the laughter that you have with friends. The late night phone call with a friend. The sweet taste of ice cream and cake. The smiles of your love ones. The little gift that your friends gives you. And so much more. Those are the moment that are real happiness.

I found a box full of memories and thinking back, I was a fool. I had always have happiness with me. But I wanted more. It brings me tears and yet happiness too. To know that I was loved and had share so many memories with so many people. The letters, picture and gifts.

These are the gift that friends have given to me

Pictures of the people that I have shared with

and yes, actually hand written letter send by poslaju XD

( Was too bored and I remember how we would wait for a whole week to find out something that we can just ask for at school)

And I keep everything in my treasure box! Don't ask me why it is pink >_<

These are the memories and happiness. It made me smile when ever I look at it but also I do feel sad about it. But in three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life in my soon to be 19 years of life: it goes on. 

P.S : Sorry for the very bad picture. I don't know why it can become like this. Will try to fix it when I'm free or not lazy hehe. 

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November,

V: Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot. 

Gordon Deitrich: You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.

 Evey Hammond: Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, the Gunpowder Treason and Plot. I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot... But what of the man? I know his name was Guy Fawkes and I know, in 1605, he attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament. But who was he really? What was he like? We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten, but 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I've seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them... but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love... And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man... A man that made me remember the Fifth of November. A man that I will never forget. 

Life

In the past 3 months, I have met, learn and experiences of kind of things and people. I found out I was diagnosed with major depression. I was facing depression for 5 to 6 years, that's what the doctor said. It started off with SAD a very minor depression illness. But with years and time it became worst. I became someone who I am not. Maybe that's why I was rude, crazy, and the list goes on and on. But after meeting the right people, I am getting better. I had to make sure to take my medication. And I'll be well.

I realize that life is too short to hate, therefore I called everyone that I had hurt and did wrong to. Some, accepted it but some didn't. I don't blame them. To say sorry is very easy and to forgive is very hard. But I will still wish the best for them and pray for them. I always thanked them for everything. For helping me when I was in a mess.

Every Sunday, I would go to the temple and pray for the ones that helped me. I pray to the great Buddha and the goddess of mercy for their good health and well being. I also prayed that I can continue to be well and to recover from my illness. I also, do volunteer work for the temple and other event that need help. But of course, I still got my work and family to go to.

I too realize that, there is so much in life that we don't know. Alot of people told me to get a lover and it will make me happy. I did, have a couple of them. But I don't feel that same happiness that I felt when I had my 1st. I do feel happy but I felt like I'm trap. Therefore, I want to enjoy life. To see what life is. To go around Malaysia and visit every temple I can. I have been to Labuan temple. Now, I want to go to Sawarak. I might ask some friends or I might go alone. But there is so much more in life to just love or money. I want to have a taste of life before getting married or anything.     

My cruse.

Please, stop telling me that my ability is a gift. I find it as a cruse. I'm only 19 and I got the mind of a 30 year old. How is that a gift? Having so many ideas and ambitions but no money. I may have all the knowledge that a 30 year old should have. But it makes me feel not young. Do you know how lonely is it when you don't have friends that you around the same age as you? It feels very lonely. Most of my friends are in their late 20's to late 40's. Because? Of my cruse. When ever I talk to people who are older than me, when I correct them. They won't admit it and start saying that I'm still a kid and I shouldn't be knowing these kind of things yet. Do you know how tiring that is? When you have a brain of a 30 year old, the knowledge of a 30 year but always being told as a kid. A child. But when I talk to people around my age, they will say that I'm too old for them. I get sick when I talk to people my age and when I have to lower my level just so I can talk to them and I get very angry when I talk to older people. But in the end, no matter how old my brain is, I'm still a 19 year old girl.   

blablabla?

When I walk towards the light, all I see are fists fight and piano singing along.
And I found myself with a bottle of vodka drinking happily. I make no sense but I'm sad but yet happy.
I hate the night and I hate the morning. Thank the heaven I can see another day.
Sometime I wish I stop caring, but I be a heartless bitch.

Sorry but I need to go, but who the fuck would want to die alone?
Lying is the most fun a girl can do without going naked, after all everyone loves a big fat lie.
You think passing a fucking exam would make me happy? You don't know me.
Alright guys, this is war. Win or lose, we still wake up.

P.S: So, I have no idea what is this that I have done. Random thought have been running around my head and this what came out.