Life

In the past 3 months, I have met, learn and experiences of kind of things and people. I found out I was diagnosed with major depression. I was facing depression for 5 to 6 years, that's what the doctor said. It started off with SAD a very minor depression illness. But with years and time it became worst. I became someone who I am not. Maybe that's why I was rude, crazy, and the list goes on and on. But after meeting the right people, I am getting better. I had to make sure to take my medication. And I'll be well.

I realize that life is too short to hate, therefore I called everyone that I had hurt and did wrong to. Some, accepted it but some didn't. I don't blame them. To say sorry is very easy and to forgive is very hard. But I will still wish the best for them and pray for them. I always thanked them for everything. For helping me when I was in a mess.

Every Sunday, I would go to the temple and pray for the ones that helped me. I pray to the great Buddha and the goddess of mercy for their good health and well being. I also prayed that I can continue to be well and to recover from my illness. I also, do volunteer work for the temple and other event that need help. But of course, I still got my work and family to go to.

I too realize that, there is so much in life that we don't know. Alot of people told me to get a lover and it will make me happy. I did, have a couple of them. But I don't feel that same happiness that I felt when I had my 1st. I do feel happy but I felt like I'm trap. Therefore, I want to enjoy life. To see what life is. To go around Malaysia and visit every temple I can. I have been to Labuan temple. Now, I want to go to Sawarak. I might ask some friends or I might go alone. But there is so much more in life to just love or money. I want to have a taste of life before getting married or anything.     

My cruse.

Please, stop telling me that my ability is a gift. I find it as a cruse. I'm only 19 and I got the mind of a 30 year old. How is that a gift? Having so many ideas and ambitions but no money. I may have all the knowledge that a 30 year old should have. But it makes me feel not young. Do you know how lonely is it when you don't have friends that you around the same age as you? It feels very lonely. Most of my friends are in their late 20's to late 40's. Because? Of my cruse. When ever I talk to people who are older than me, when I correct them. They won't admit it and start saying that I'm still a kid and I shouldn't be knowing these kind of things yet. Do you know how tiring that is? When you have a brain of a 30 year old, the knowledge of a 30 year but always being told as a kid. A child. But when I talk to people around my age, they will say that I'm too old for them. I get sick when I talk to people my age and when I have to lower my level just so I can talk to them and I get very angry when I talk to older people. But in the end, no matter how old my brain is, I'm still a 19 year old girl.   

blablabla?

When I walk towards the light, all I see are fists fight and piano singing along.
And I found myself with a bottle of vodka drinking happily. I make no sense but I'm sad but yet happy.
I hate the night and I hate the morning. Thank the heaven I can see another day.
Sometime I wish I stop caring, but I be a heartless bitch.

Sorry but I need to go, but who the fuck would want to die alone?
Lying is the most fun a girl can do without going naked, after all everyone loves a big fat lie.
You think passing a fucking exam would make me happy? You don't know me.
Alright guys, this is war. Win or lose, we still wake up.

P.S: So, I have no idea what is this that I have done. Random thought have been running around my head and this what came out.

A confession.

My body isn’t perfect. I don’t walk with confidence. I get into fights with my parents and friends. Some nights I’d rather be by myself than out partying. I cry over the smallest things sometimes. There are days that I get through with forced smiles and faked laughs. Sometimes I try to convince myself that things are okay when they’re not. I find myself as ugly. I don’t look as good in real life as I do in pictures. There are some nights that I cry myself to sleep. I constantly think that I’m not good enough. I’m imperfect.

This is a confession. I always have this problem about myself since I can remember. I feel that my eyes are too small, my nose are too big. My head are big and my lips are thin. My face isn't clean like most of my friends. I got long arm and legs but I'm short, I'm skinny till everyone thinks I have a eating disorder.

When ever I look myself in the mirror, I get very angry and sad. I tend to ask myself question, "Why can't my nose be small?" "Why can't I be taller?" "Why can't my bust get bigger and my butt get bigger?"

It makes me cry when ever I think about it. It's very unfair. Many have told me that I'm beautiful, but I just don't believe it. I'm very insecure of my looks. I tend to be a bitch to hide my own fear. When ever someone comment me on my looks (example: Aly, you're so flat like a boy.) I tend to make a joke out of it and laugh at it. But deep inside, I'm hurt. I have been doing it for years, I just wish the day would come when I would walk with full confident.

Part time online working whats not.

So, my friend asked me to join this part time online working site for the past 3 months. So I finally give it a shot. There is no register fee, just your email and so on. So I have earn $20, because I don't really log in and do the work. so yea.... just helping to promote, http://www.earnparttimejobs.com/index.php?id=4345910

Go check it out.

Why is it so hard?

Why is it so hard to move on from a love that’s no more, she asks? You know, I ask myself this question every time I get it. To be honest, I really don’t know. I guess it’s because we feel so strongly for the person. We wake up every morning knowing that seeing them would make the rest of your day perfect. Realizing that they were the only person we could ever dream of being with, and even though we had our fights and arguments, we still kept hoping that one day it would all go away, it hurts. I think it’s hard because we can’t come to terms with the fact that we loved them so much and it ended so abruptly. What I can say is that, breaking up is a grieving process. You will go in and out of, as well as back and forth on, a number of stages, from denial, to anger, to acceptance, and grief.

Everyone’s grieving process is different, but in the end it is painful. It takes time for it to become more bearable, but it passes. One day it actually becomes workable and then one day it just isn’t an issue anymore. Don’t try to heal yourself by rushing into a relationship, you need to give yourself time to recover completely. It is very easy to fall for a person who offers a shoulder to cry on during our troubled times. This is the mistake most people do and they end up in a relationship, which eventually ends up the same. Moving on after a break up is definitely not easy, but you can at least make sincere attempts towards it. If you take it as a challenge and face your life positively, you’ll emerge a stronger person than you were before,

How could you?

Its funny how the first meaningful thing you said to her was; “I promise I will never hurt you” and now months later, the most hurtful thing she will ever hear come out of your mouth is “I cant do this anymore.” You just gave up and walked away. Why? She’s been an amazing girl. An amazing friend, she was there for you when you needed help. When things got a little rough, you couldn't handle it; you gave up and walked away. All she wanted you to do was to fight for her. She thought she was the one with the problem, but clearly she did nothing wrong. She wasn't good enough for you? You promised her so many things, you played with her heart and that’s not right. You could have been something extraordinary by now, you could have completed each other and it’s sad that you will realize this when it’s to late.

How can you say the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, when things got rough you just quit? The way she would look in your eyes and call you beautiful. It all meant something, you promised her you would work it out through anything, good or bad. Now because of you, the next thing someone promises her she will not believe it. You seriously did something to her. You made her laugh, you had endless memories together. But the moment you got up and walked away, that was the moment when you threw it all away.

How could you do this to her? She was your best friend. You betrayed her and dare say you still want to be friends? It's been 5 months and you have someone new. She is still here crying and blaming herself. You still called her and tell her how much you cared for her. Everyday she is hoping you would change your mind and come back to her. And know what? You don't deserve her. I promise you, I will bring her up and when I do It be too late for you and she will have someone better.

Ps: A friend broke up about 5 months ago. She is still moaning about it. Last night she called me and she had a dream of her ex. I accompany her on the phone till she clam down. It's makes me very angry. How can a man go back his own words? Yes promises are to be broken. But, how could you? No words can express how angry I am.