Lesson of the day

One day, I got the urge, a feeling that I missed my mother. I missed her smiles, her smell and how she calls my name. But I kept it in. I swallow it is because I was told that, if I tell someone I missed my mother, all I want is attention. So I kept silent. I have this feeling all the time. The feeling will be gone after a while. Even tho, I was silent about it. It didn't make me any more happy. I was often down because of it, until Laling notice a change of my attitude and asked me what's wrong. I said nothing and he kept asking till I look straight to his eyes and said I missed my mother. He gave me a hug so tight that I needed to tag him to let go, but he still hold on to me. He said " I miss her too" I cried. We held to one another till I fall a sleep and he got up and continue his work.

I learned that, telling someone you miss a person doesn't mean you seek attention. All you need is a hug and a shoulder to hold on and cry to. That's why I love my Laling.

4am

4am are for the people with hollow eyes getting drunk on the idea of life.

Twilight hours is not for the innocent children, who dream of toy cars and Princess.

It's for the ill and the loner. Who cry softly awaiting the sun rises. 

4am is for me. Who questions the purpose of being here

But we should count the blessing. The little ones and the hidden ones.

We always says that life isn't fair. Life is hard. We work so hard but it just ended up failing. We complained how we don't have enough money to make ends meet. We get angry when we know someone is badmouthing us. We get sad when things just go bad. Everything in life is just not good. But we don't see the good in life because we kept seeing the negative.

I am, a very negative person. I am having really bad financial problem, was in a physical and mental abusive relationship, loses hope in everything and suicide thoughts runs around my head all the time. I feel alone most of the time and also feels that no one cares.

I have a friend. I shall call her H. When I met H. She is a workaholic. She is always so hyper, that it's scary. I met her in an event that I work at. I was only a newbie and she was the senior who knows what to do everything. I admired her. Soon after that, I found out she has sleeping problem. She will not sleeps for days and crash for days. I wasn't close to her, so I didn't want to care. I got my own self to worry for I was fighting with depression at that same time. The times fly and I have been working with her for 4 years. After 4 years, we actually sat down and talk.

We started talking at 9pm and till 5am. I found out a sad thing. H have 3rd stage tumor on her brain and her chances was 40/60. I looked at her, I didn't cry. I didn't feel sad, but I felt envy. I envy that even tho she was ill, she kept on living. Doing the best she can before she go. She helped me when I needed help during work, she advise me when I was having a hard time. I envy, because she can still be so positive even tho, she was suppose to be in her lowest.

She said, she doesn't want anyone to tell her "you will be alright". Because it's all fate. Her life is on god's hand but not her, me or you. She have so much faith in god when most people would be blaming god and asking him "why did he do this to them", and she still give me a smile and telling me " Stick with your current boyfriend, you may feel that you are no good. But god made you cross path. He may be the one or he may be a lesson. Do not give yourself self pity. It's not good."

She is leaving for a surgery next week. She doesn't want anyone to cry. All she wants everyone to be positive.

Life isn't fair. But we should count the blessing. The little ones and the hidden ones.

Im damn in both ways

I find it pretty funny that how I always thought that Im doing well. But deep inside me, I am crying. I am not crying about broken relationship or those typical things. But I am crying because of me, myself. It's scary to think that my demons are just sleeping silently, no moment to wake up anytime soon. It's pathetic when I think about it. Im happy but yet Im not. I don't care about anything but yet I do. I don't hate, but I can't forget. Im using simple words to explain this complicated feelings. But no matter what, Im damn in both ways

his hugs

I like sleeping with him. Not in being naked and having pleasure. But just sleep. Him holding me tight while my face is pressed against his chest. His soft snore and how he twitch out of the sudden. How he whisper to my ear softly when I have a bad dream "Everything is fine. Im here". How warm his body is, always keeps me warm when it's raining cats and dogs. His hugs are the best. I feel protected, relax and loved. I wish we could sleep together every night. Holding one another slowly going to wonderland. But the heaven would want us to wait for the right moment. Even so, I want to hold him. His touch and smells still lingers.

How fate played with us.

We were once connected by our mother's friendship. I remembered how you used to come over to my house to play with my brother and I would play with your sister. I remembered how you would team up with my brother just to make me cry. Time flew by, we lost the connection. You remembered my brother and I remembered your sister, but we forgot one another. It's like; we didn't exist in the flow of memories. After around 10 years, we crossed path once again. How I was your childhood friend's sister, and how you were my childhood friend's brother. And now, you are my knight in shining armour and I'm your princess.It's amazing how we took different path during those 10 years of losing contact; and yet here we are. Hand in hand.

" He is someone I have beautiful memories with, but he is just a stranger."

Breaking up isn't that hard. No matter what reason it is, cheated, lost of feelings, someone else. There are many reasons to break someone's heart. Someone's trust, dreams and hope. But yet, at the same time, breaking up with someone is the hardest thing to do. You're not only breaking your leman's heart but yours too; you choose to lose your best friend.

Not everyone can break up and stay as friends. I dare say, most couldn't. That is how we lose our best friends. We lose the people who are most important to us and, let’s be honest, end up lost for a good moment afterwards ourselves.

It's like, "I love you and yet I don't." With time it will heal, we learn to pick up the broken pieces and fix it up and continue our direction in life. But not all of us completely move on. Some of us still hold on to that friendship even though it is long gone. Why? We love them. We wish they could be part of our lives. But at the same time we understand that is impossible.

It's like how the saying goes.
" He is someone I have beautiful memories with, but he is just a stranger."